Letters from Mom: Dealing with loss and Celebrating new love

Monday, May 13, 2019

 Motherhood has always been something I’ve wanted but I never considered at what cost. Early last year, while my fiancĂ© was away in Africa I realized my period was severely late. When he arrived back to the states we took a pregnancy test and were overjoyed to learn that we would be expecting our first baby. While pregnancy was not on my list of things to do for the year I felt an excitement I had never felt before. That excitement didn’t last past my second doctor’s appointment. We quickly learned that we had lost the baby despite not experiencing any symptoms of a miscarriage. I was heartbroken. Honestly, I was angry at myself and at my fiancĂ© for allowing ourselves to get sucked in so fast. Never did I consider what this loss would mean for the family and friends who knew we were expecting. My response to “how’s the baby” or “how are you feeling” were always met with short cold responses. I didn’t want to feel the pain of our loss in fear of it crippling me.

And then one year later we were blessed with a second chance at motherhood. After weeks of denial and the self-diagnosis of food poisoning I took a pregnancy test and then ignored the results for hours. We were expecting again, but this time I would not allow myself to accept the reality of it all. The first doctor’s appointment was met with fear. I was surprised that no one mentioned the miscarriage from a year ago and suddenly felt like I was the only one who remembered. As the doctor began the sonogram my heart stopped, my body froze in fear of bad news. But there was no bad news. We got to see our little baby in its early stages of growth. On the inside I was ecstatic but, on the outside, I showed little emotion as the fear of another loss reappeared. Fear is real. It handicaps you in ways you never expect. It forces you in a bubble of isolation and as a result very few people knew that we were expecting.

This journey toward motherhood has been a reminder that I have all I need right inside of me. While my mother will not physically be on this journey to meet her unborn grandchild, I know that her spirit is guiding me through it all. The ability to create life is a gift, one of power, strength, unconditional love. As much as I’ve wanted to plan out my life, God has a way of surprising me with unexpected things that will make me happier than I originally planned. And on this Mother’s Day I honor the life of the woman who created me, the countless women who continue to show up for me, and to all the women who continue to touch the lives of others.

©©An Expectant Mother

Post a Comment

Latest Instagrams

© the little cru. Design by FCD.